i donated some dresses today. (ok, yesterday, but that's when i wrote this.) i like to find the perfect place to donate something. which of course slows down the process immensely. over the past few years, i've gotten a few emails from time to time about places looking for prom dresses (or fancy dresses of sorts.) it is often around this time of year and i always mean to jump on it and donate dresses. (it somehow seems more meaningful than just throwing a fancy dress in a bag with other clothes.) but something always gets in the way. (once, i realized some of my dresses were at my parents' house in NJ, and several times i just missed the dates.) but this time, i got an email through work for a "say yes to the dress" event for a local youth agency. they were looking for dresses for proms and graduations. sadly, i still actually had a dress i wore to a friend's prom. it was cute at the time, going for a sort of 50's look that i don't think i quite pulled off. (it was a bit too long originally, sort of an awkward length, and then i had it shortened -- too much -- in college.) it was a perfect give. plus a few others, one of which had "juniors" sizing. even my anxious self could get behind this. i emailed the agency to see if they were looking for anything else, and they said they needed accessories too. i carefully (re-)sorted through a bag of jewelry i'd been meaning to get rid of for years, revisited some bags and shoes, and loaded it all into my car. i felt good. after a work meeting, i drove down with a friend and dropped off the stuff. as i was doing it, i could feel myself panic a bit. oh no, i thought, those are the shoes i wore in a close friend's wedding. (12 years ago, and i couldn't even walk around the house in them last night.) another pair of shoes, virtually new - but i love those! (admittedly gorgeous, in my opinion, but worn once to a conference, and so uncomfortable they never even got outside. just made it through one poster session.) but what about that necklace my old roommate gave me? (i admired it years ago, and she was getting rid of it recently, i took it off her hands with great anticipation...and never wore it. furthermore, i just talked to her tonight and she absolved me of any guilt.) and yet, i feel anxious.
now, seriously. am i *going* to go back to the youth agency to ask for my necklace? hell, no. i don't want to be *that* girl. how much more productive would it be to sit with this anxiety, figure out where it's coming from, get through it and realize i have a million more necklaces...some of which i actually wear? sounds healthy. wouldn't that be nice.
so, part of what's so hard for me about this process is that this anxiety feels familiar. i don't feel it often, but it (or rather, the knowledge that it's out there) prevents me from the getting rid of the things. particularly jarring is the realization that i don't know where this niggling feeling will come from. i can't predict which item will bug me. i couldn't have told you that of the 4 dresses, 4 or 5 pairs of shoes, and jumble of costume jewelry i unloaded today, this would be the necklace that would stress me out tonight. (if you need proof, i didn't even photograph this necklace before it went in the bag, which you know, obviously, i do with stuff that feels significant.) this feeling, this "but what if i give something totally innocent away and it comes back to haunt me" feeling is why i hold onto SO. MUCH. STUFF. pretty wrapping paper. old notebooks. receipts. i actually panicked about losing a wedding placecard once. ok, recently. in my defense, it was just after my son was born. but still.
it was so pretty.
**since i wrote most of this yesterday, i can say with some confidence that the feeling of anxiety does tend to go away. sometimes. i'd be lying if i said i didn't imagine ways i could have worn that necklace a few times today. but it didn't make me anxious in the same way. and, as a friend said during a playdate today, it's time to make new memories.
it also doesn't hurt that mommy brain has affected my memory enough that i'll probably forget about the stuff that's gone bye-bye much sooner than i used to.
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