boot camp

after my last post, as i alluded to, i decided i really did want to try to kick myself back into gear with this whole decluttering thing. so i thought i would try decluttering "boot camp": get rid of 5 things a day for a week. (that probably doesn't sound to you like the ass-kicking it sounds like to me...but you gotta start somewhere.) in contemplating this, i realized i didn't know/have rules laid out. for example, did i need to get rid of 5 things per day or just 35 by the end of the week? did i have to physically throw them out or could i put them aside in a "give" bag? (i have many full boxes and bags that are "to be donated" and i will admit that i go thru them from time to time...and occasionally take stuff out. at some point, that should be its own blog post. did i mention that in addition to being hugely sentimental, and a control freak about my stuff...i'm also indecisive?) did they have to be non-disposable things, or could they be things that just need to be thrown away from time to time? (i don't mean garbage, but for example, toiletries i was no longer using?) and what counted as one item? if i found 6 notebooks i wanted to get rid of, did that count as 6 or as 1 ("notebooks")?  i tried to at least identify 5 items to part with on each day of the week, but decided it didn't matter if i actually got rid of them on that day. i also decided to try to adhere to the rule that "once it's in the bag, it can't come back out." i'm also testing the theory that writing out my list will both make it easier to part with the stuff, and create a sense of accomplishment. it is my hope that one day--sooner rather than later--i will not need a list to give me a sense of accomplishment from getting rid of things. it is my even greater hope that getting rid of stuff will become much more automatic and less calculated and thought-provoking fairly quickly, as it seems like i will have less time in the future, not more, to contemplate my abundance of possessions. but again, one step at a time for this self-inflicted intervention. (this may be the point where you decide reading my garbage lists is too boring and go turn on food network star. i understand.) since i get to make the rules, i decided to be fairly gentle with myself - i am trying after all, and am still sort of a beginner - and here's what i came up with.

sunday:

1) laura mercier lip balm (purchased in 2009 after a "free" pre-wedding makeover at laura mercier)

2) NIDA pencil with a brain-shaped eraser on top (acquired at a social work conference)

3) notepad with hearts all over it (a birthday gift c. about 4th grade) -- see photo

4) fake hello kitty notebook (dollar store; perhaps i should stop frequenting those, makes it all too easy to accumulate clutter)

5) D-shaped post-it notes (very hard to write on; i always feel like i should save post-it pads as they seem eminently useful, but i'm realizing it would take me a lifetime to use all the notebooks i have stockpiled)

monday:

1) personalized pad (probably received for free; this almost didn't count)

2) strawberry stationery (also c. elementary school. it used to be scented)

3) another childish pad with a panda and hearts on it

4) 7 ludicrous raw silk-ish napkins (yes, i kept a few, but i counted this as one thing, so cut me some slack) plus a few of jason's old placemats

5) 3 blank check registers (and the box they came in)

tuesday:

1) ELF eye shadow

2) fading plastic hello kitty picture frame

3) glitter and cardboard snowflake ornament (ok, it was a gift from a small child, but it was many years ago, the glitter falls off, and i have other things from this kid)

4) spoo tshirt (man, i got this in1990, while on a trip to NY at this summer program, mitzvah corps. then tie-dyed it at another summer program (1992). been with me a long time. but it's completely ripped up, thanks to time and baby.) -- see photo

5) 2 espresso royale punch cards we're never gonna finish

wednesday:

1) & 2) 2 silk pillows that we got with the house (came with this custom-made storage bench that the previous owners had made in vietnam, i think -- the bench is useful but the pillows gotta go)

3) unused, still-in-wrapper vinyl shower curtain

4) some old fabric i bought in israel (to use in craft projects including, um, making scrunchies) while studying abroad there (1994)

5) Indiana University stadium blanket

thursday:

1), 2), 3), 4), 5) books

friday:

1) one more book

2) miami beach magnet

3) bright blue sleeveless shirt

4) clear plastic pouch that something came in -- you may laugh but i like to save and reuse them

5) wooden box of apple cinnamon tea (closed; bought in a set many years ago as little gifts; no idea how old it is or if the tea is still good)

saturday:

1) hubby's shorts (the snap fell off; i know they're not mine but i was saving them to repair them. that was at least a year ago, and i have no idea how to repair them)

2) pink spandex-y tank top

3) "celebrate israel" t-shirt

4) old winter scarf (my mom's, but i never wore it and i'm not sure she did either)

5) closed package of pantyhose (can't remember the last time i wore those)

*this week we also switched around our futon and guest bed, threw out our bed frame and got a new mattress, and i shredded TONS of stuff that had been sitting -- unshredded -- in my shredder for quite some time. even though this didn't exactly count in the decluttering list, it has added to the feeling of productivity.

so i've ended up keeping this list open throughout the week, and just plugging in things as i got rid of them. so it really was more of a "35-per-week" than "5-per-day" chuck fest. the good news is, i thought of another positive reason to do this project: i do/did end up documenting more stuff than i normally would. while time-consuming (and perhaps not a feasible ongoing life strategy) it also made me notice things i get rid of incidentally that i wouldn't normally count (see tuesday #5). good thing? bad thing? for me it's good, at least today, because it makes me feel slightly less hopeless about this endeavor (i.e. maybe i throw out more than i think i do.) which is not to say there isn't still a loooong way to go...

ps - in the interest of full disclosure (and because you probably know how to read dates) i will confess that i didn't exactly follow the rules. today is friday sunday, and this little week-long project took me 13 15 days. (see, i even have to save my mistakes!) partially because my parents were visiting, we celebrated my son's birthday, blah blah blah. but all this made me see how hard it can be to really get rid of stuff. (and not just put it aside and then allow it to creep back into the mix. in fact, much of this stuff is actually still in the house and has been "tagged" for departure.) i need to remember to put it in the car so it gets dropped off and is officially out of the house. onward.

bye bye pump

i haven't posted in a while, and it's not because i haven't been throwing things away. ok, it's not because i haven't been contemplating throwing things away. just been busy, doing some traveling, and going back to work, a whole other story. in fact, there are a few things i've meant to blog about before now. but they'll have to wait, because

i threw out my breast pump tonight, and i feel the need to document it immediately. in fact, it was a breast pump i'd inherited from some good friends who were done with it (through another good friend who was going to donate some stuff for them, but happened to hold onto it between the time my friends got rid of stuff and the time i needed it. procrastination worked in my favor.) it was pretty old, but worked well for 10 or 11 months, way longer than i expected it to, and since i only planned to pump for a year, i borrowed another friend's pump for the last few weeks. (don't worry, it's sterilized and all that.)

anyway, the pump in the pic was on its last legs, and it turns out you can't really donate that kind of stuff, so i threw it away. even though i stopped using it several weeks ago, i only threw it out tonight, which feels symbolic to me because i also finished pumping this week, the week my son turned 1. i nursed and pumped for as long as i could, but when my son took up a serious and painful biting habit, i decided i needed to stop nursing, and went to exclusive pumping for the last 7 weeks or so of our year. (i'm actually still pumping occasionally, but just to make the transition smooth and not go "cold turkey.") to add to this, this departure feels particularly symbolic because the pump is currently in the garbage on top of the remains of my son's first birthday monkey cake (the second "practice" cake i made, the first one being practice for his real cake, and the second one being more practice because he was sick on his birthday so we still plan to celebrate sometime. after which, i will likely have had my fill of banana cake with chocolate frosting for a good while.)

it should go without saying, though it does not, since i'm saying it here and all over this blog, that i'm slow to throw things away. especially things that are meaningful to me. which is a lot of stuff, because i tend to imbue meaning into so much stuff. while in some ways this is fun--a receipt can send me down memory lane--in other ways it's a huge burden, and as someone said to me: if every receipt sparks an emotional reaction, that's too much stimulation. so you can imagine how emotional i might get about a breast pump. first, it just feels counterintuitive to chuck something so big and expensive. an appliance, even. second, i feel like it represents my first year of motherhood, and the first year of my son's life. and the end of his babyhood, in some ways, if you believe that babies become toddlers at age 1. (i'm preferring not to believe this, since i could use a few more months of babyhood, but i'm pretty sure my son may have also taken his first (half) step today, and there is probably no disputing that they're toddlers once they start, well, toddling.)

anyhoo, i'm already mourning the loss of babyhood and trying to figure out ways to commemorate it --> saving of stuff. but a) that's what some of his clothes, cards, a lock of hair from his first haircut, knick-knacks, and 2000 some odd photos are for; and b) even i (sort of) have to admit that a broken breast pump serves no one well lying around the house, nor is it the best way to honor my sweet son. (but honey, are you sure i shouldn't just keep the adaptor? maybe it will work on something else? yes, i'm sure.) sigh. off it goes. with the leftover birthday cake, the calcifying practice fondant monkey (also for his birthday -- i swear i don't just keep old food lying around), and lord knows what else.

you know, some days i find this little neurosis of mine sort of cute. or at least fairly benign. tonight it's feeling a little more serious. not quite hoarders serious yet, but you know, make-a-list-and-throw-out-five-things-a-day-for-a-week serious. i'm going to chalk it up to the emotional spikes of the past week (my first mother's day, my baby's first birthday and first illness) and give myself the benefit of the doubt. for now. if i start posting pictures of old newspapers and lean cuisine boxes, that may be your cue to start worrying. if you're not already, that is. in the meantime, perhaps i should shake off my recent setback and attack my project with renewed vigor. decluttering boot camp, anyone? i'll report back soon.

prom dresses and donor's remorse

i have donor's remorse. wow, that sounds awful. not like i gave a kidney or anything. it's just hard for me to get rid of stuff. i waver, i waffle, and even after all that, sometimes after i've given something away, i panic.

i donated some dresses today. (ok, yesterday, but that's when i wrote this.) i like to find the perfect place to donate something. which of course slows down the process immensely. over the past few years, i've gotten a few emails from time to time about places looking for prom dresses (or fancy dresses of sorts.) it is often around this time of year and i always mean to jump on it and donate dresses. (it somehow seems more meaningful than just throwing a fancy dress in a bag with other clothes.) but something always gets in the way. (once, i realized some of my dresses were at my parents' house in NJ, and several times i just missed the dates.) but this time, i got an email through work for a "say yes to the dress" event for a local youth agency. they were looking for dresses for proms and graduations. sadly, i still actually had a dress i wore to a friend's prom. it was cute at the time, going for a sort of 50's look that i don't think i quite pulled off. (it was a bit too long originally, sort of an awkward length, and then i had it shortened -- too much -- in college.) it was a perfect give. plus a few others, one of which had "juniors" sizing. even my anxious self could get behind this. i emailed the agency to see if they were looking for anything else, and they said they needed accessories too. i carefully (re-)sorted through a bag of jewelry i'd been meaning to get rid of for years, revisited some bags and shoes, and loaded it all into my car. i felt good. after a work meeting, i drove down with a friend and dropped off the stuff. as i was doing it, i could feel myself panic a bit. oh no, i thought, those are the shoes i wore in a close friend's wedding. (12 years ago, and i couldn't even walk around the house in them last night.) another pair of shoes, virtually new - but i love those! (admittedly gorgeous, in my opinion, but worn once to a conference, and so uncomfortable they never even got outside. just made it through one poster session.) but what about that necklace my old roommate gave me? (i admired it years ago, and she was getting rid of it recently, i took it off her hands with great anticipation...and never wore it. furthermore, i just talked to her tonight and she absolved me of any guilt.) and yet, i feel anxious.

now, seriously. am i *going* to go back to the youth agency to ask for my necklace? hell, no. i don't want to be *that* girl. how much more productive would it be to sit with this anxiety, figure out where it's coming from, get through it and realize i have a million more necklaces...some of which i actually wear? sounds healthy. wouldn't that be nice.

so, part of what's so hard for me about this process is that this anxiety feels familiar. i don't feel it often, but it (or rather, the knowledge that it's out there) prevents me from the getting rid of the things. particularly jarring is the realization that i don't know where this niggling feeling will come from. i can't predict which item will bug me. i couldn't have told you that of the 4 dresses, 4 or 5 pairs of shoes, and jumble of costume jewelry i unloaded today, this would be the necklace that would stress me out tonight. (if you need proof, i didn't even photograph this necklace before it went in the bag, which you know, obviously, i do with stuff that feels significant.) this feeling, this "but what if i give something totally innocent away and it comes back to haunt me" feeling is why i hold onto SO. MUCH. STUFF. pretty wrapping paper. old notebooks. receipts. i actually panicked about losing a wedding placecard once. ok, recently. in my defense, it was just after my son was born. but still.

it was so pretty.

**since i wrote most of this yesterday, i can say with some confidence that the feeling of anxiety does tend to go away. sometimes. i'd be lying if i said i didn't imagine ways i could have worn that necklace a few times today. but it didn't make me anxious in the same way. and, as a friend said during a playdate today, it's time to make new memories.

it also doesn't hurt that mommy brain has affected my memory enough that i'll probably forget about the stuff that's gone bye-bye much sooner than i used to.

my husband's flarp

we decided to finally throw out my husband's flarp. this probably sounds way dirtier than it is. my husband got some flarp for his 40th birthday last year. it was part of a collection of childhood gag gifts from a good friend. as is evidenced by this blog, it's hard for me to throw anything sentimental away. 

wait! you're likely saying. this isn't yours. it's a gift your husband got! what does it even have to do with you? well, astute reader, while these are excellent points, the fact is, first, this was a gift from a good friend of ours and i thus felt some attachment to it. second, and perhaps more to the point, i do end up keeping his stuff sometimes (or making him keep it) because my over-sentimentality combines with deep anxiety over losing stuff and control issues, and gets triggered by what i perceive as his under-sentimentality (he has been known to throw out cards i've given him. sorry, honey, but you have.) he doesn't do it often, and he's not totally devoid of sentiment, but, well, anyway. back to the flarp. so i've been trying to clean, and this morning, he noticed the flarp, and said it had gotten gross. (yes, the point of flarp is to be gross, it's like silly putty that makes fart noises when you squish it, but i guess this had gotten gross in a different, aged, starting-to-separate sort of way.) so he decided to throw it out, and i concurred, excited to continue the very slow but hopefully steady purge. (does his stuff count toward my purge? hmmm.) anyway, here it is. to my credit (?) i had noticed it and thought we should throw it away even before he said something. but, not to my credit (against my credit? to my debit?) i didn't throw it away until he said something. it's gone now. i never thought i'd have a photo of flarp in my pictures folder.

ps - i confess i wrote this a few weeks ago and just edited and posted now. when i started this blog i thought i'd be writing, if not daily, then more often than this. but after the first post, i got both pulled in other directions, and distracted/overwhelmed by the decision of which item to post next. there are so many that need to go. don't ask me why the flarp finally made the cut. i'm sure that would require a deeper analysis of my psyche than either of us wants to undertake at this moment. bonus: this procrastination is actually a good example of why there are cans of flarp and other random goodies still festooning our home. (just saw a janeane garofalo comedy special in which she used the word "festoon" at least twice. it stuck with me.) hopefully the state of our home will change as this blog gets longer. anyway, toodles for now.

pps - expect a lot of PS's.

confessions of a clutterbug

i love my stuff. i mean, i LOVE my stuff. i can spend hours sorting through greeting cards (i have lots of blank ones, i sort of collect them, and then i don't have to go out and buy a card every time i want to write one), stationery, jewelry, toiletries...and of course, emails and online photos. (do those count? i guess they do clutter my computer, if not my house.) so the prospect of getting rid of stuff is often not so exciting to me. i mean, i panic when i misplace a receipt i need. i like to know my stuff is there if i need it. i'm sure it's at least in part a control thing. the irony being, of course, that i have so much stuff that it's hard to keep track of all of it. i keep reading that organized spaces create a sense of calm. while i believe this (and the pictures, of which i have many, really are soothing) whenever i imagine getting rid of something i love, or rather, realizing too late i have gotten rid of something i now want, i panic. i do not get calm. i get anxious. huh. so imagine my surprise when i started getting excited about getting rid of some stuff.

for a long time, actually, i've been trying to "de-clutter" my life. i know, join the club. certainly in terms of material things, although i have a feeling this might begin to clear my head a bit as well. recently, a few friends have started blogs, and i've really been enjoying reading them. (plus one of these same friends has also taken a distinct interest in my clutter - and the need to thin it out!) it's become an ongoing theme and project in my life - one i suspect i don't ever complete, at least in part, because i enjoy the process of *trying* to do it, and sometimes even find it therapeutic and reflective to go through all of the objects that have gained importance in my life. so i don't quite want it to be done. and i get bogged down by the process of decluttering, which becomes more cluttering in itself - does that make any sense? in addition, it often seems as though the objects hold meaning on their own. so i struggle with throwing away the object - am i throwing away the sentiment behind it?

i also LOVE taking pictures and documenting stuff in general (journals, datebooks, photo albums, even receipts) - which of course adds to the clutter. (in grad school for educational theatre, a group of close friends coined names for each other - and i was, and remain, the historian. i love this title and try to live up to it.) do you see where this is going? and where these two hobbies/habits might intersect? does shutterbug = clutterbug?

anyway, since having a beautiful baby boy 9 months ago, i have been trying even more fervently to get rid of some stuff and streamline our lives, and for a variety of reasons - time, exhaustion, lack of organization and decisiveness, more stuff coming into the house, more sentimentality stemming at least in part, no doubt, from hormones - have been even less successful than before. the fact that my beloved grandmother ("savta lea") passed away a few months ago, herself a fabulous clutterbug with really wonderful, extravagant, and, i cannot stress this enough, *abundant* amounts of stuff, means both that i have inherited even more stuff (and brought some of it back from israel, with some more of it arriving in boxes soon. more on this later) and that i have become even more emotional. about her stuff specifically, and my stuff in general. so you see, it seems like the perfect storm. result: crap everywhere.

going through savta's stuff in israel was eye-opening to me, for 2 reasons. first, i tried to be careful only to take things of hers that i really wanted, because i knew it would be hard for me to get rid of things that belonged to her later, even if i didn't really want them. (i still took way too much, but less than i would have a few years ago.) second, this process made me realize that getting rid of stuff i no longer needed would make room for the stuff that was really important to me now. (so the broken chicken mug from the dollar store, beloved or not, did not need to keep company with savta's gorgeous patent leather bag. or even her fading, but amazing, chicken-shaped soft-boiled egg cups.)

the other day, i was thinking about some stuff i wanted to get rid of, and thought it might be fun to take pictures of it, write a little caption, and in this way honor the possession before chucking it. (i did this years ago when my parents finally sold my childhood home and i had to part with such treasures as my beloved naf-naf jumpsuit and giant purple "think big" crayon. these photos may land here at some point if my brothers, who are in the photos, allow it.) while it would cause computer, or cyber, clutter, at least that cracked mug wouldn't sit on my desk anymore. then i realized - a blog might be a way to "memorialize" the stuff, and keep it in a way, honoring at least the important sentiments of the things without keeping everything around.

anyway, i probably shouldn't document every single thing i throw away/donate/sell. i have to figure out how much stuff to post about here, so that this blog doesn't become, well, cluttered. not sure how to strike that balance, but i guess it's worth a shot. wish me luck! there is always the concern that reading this blog will create more clutter in your life...so feel free to purge! but if you feel like joining me for part or all of this journey - i'll love sharing it with you. as long as you don't make fun. ok, but just a little.

ps - so here's the chicken mug. i bought it at the dollar store across the street from my parents' gallery. when my relatives were visiting from israel a few years ago, they thought this dollar store was the best thing ever (it really is a pretty good dollar store!) and they found these adorable mugs, with chickens and sheep and cows on them. so they bought some. at the time, i decided i wasn't going to shlep them back home with me, so i passed. but i thought about them, and when i went to israel and used my cousin's mugs, i was sad i hadn't gotten any. a few times that year when i visited my parents at work, i went across the street to the dollar store to look for them (yes, seriously) but they were gone. until one day, maybe a year later, they appeared again! i was so excited - i bought 2 chicken ones and 2 sheep ones. they're my favorite coffee mugs and i use them almost daily. when one cracked down the side, i didn't want to throw it away, so i put it on my desk to put pens in. until a few days ago, when i decided it was time to let the chicken go. it still makes me a little sad. sigh. it's gonna be a long road.